It's no secret to those of you that have read my blogs, that I am disabled. I am still getting used to it myself. I used to fish, hunt mushrooms, roller skate, walk miles just for the hell of it, swim for hours, camp, canoe, tube the rivers, climb the sand dunes and the skyline walk at the state park.... All kinds of stuff. In the last few years, I have stopped many of those activities. I can't kneel on my knees to play in the garden because of the huge psoriasis patches on my knees. I can't climb anything that is not level because of the arthritis in my feet caused by the psoriasis. I am a rare person. Only about 5 percent of Psoriasis patients develop the Psoriatic Arthritis that can accompany the already irritating auto immune disorder. Psoriasis is much more than a skin disorder.
Let's examine it just a little. First of all, Psoriasis IS NOT contagious. This is the most frequent question that people ask me. I am no longer bothered by questions or most comments.
On occasion, some idiot will say something really stupid on a bad day, and I'll return a snide remark, but for the most part, it doesn't bother me. I have been living with this disease my entire life.
That is something else that makes my Psoriasis different. In many cases, symptoms do not show until mid 20's to mid 30's, I have had this since I was born.
There are thousands of forms of Psoriasis. I have what they call Plaque Psoriasis. The plaque is unshed skin cells that accumulate on various parts of my body. If you imagine a cut on your hand. Your body sends a message to your brain to cover that cut. It does this to protect you from infection. My body thinks I have a cut and produces skin cells in the affected area at a rate of ten thousand times faster than "normal" skin cells.
It itches, it burns, it bleeds, and it is rather unattractive. The form I have is one of the more common forms. Until the last four or five years, I still had a perfect complexion. Now, I am getting red lines on my face, and I have Psoriasis patches in the corners of my eyes, and around my nose. My scalp is, and has been covered almost completely for as long as I can remember. I have patches on both elbows, and various patches on each leg. If I do get cut, I have a 90 percent chance of starting a new patch.
I have had to overcome major fear about what people think of my appearance, although, I have known other people that have it worse than me.
I had learned to live with the skin problem, although, I am always looking at the new ideas for medicating the problem. I was on steroid cream for over 15 years, until they decided that a person shouldn't use those creams for extended periods of time. It didn't really do anything except make the problem worse after a while anyway. It's almost like the plaque has a mind of it's own. It definitely built up an immunity to the steroids.
I have tried every single suggestion I have ever heard. Apart from traveling to the red sea and letting fish eat it off of me. Not sure I could go through with that one. I also can not use any of the drugs approved by the FDA. See, they are all immune system inhibitors and therefore increase a person's risk for cancer, and other illnesses. Also, none of the approved drugs are to be used if a person has an open sore or wound. I Always have a scratch that is bleeding somewhere. On top of that, my family seems to be dying of cancer, so I don't need to increase my chances of getting it, I am already at a high risk level. Not a pair of dice I care to roll.
I have taken many oatmeal bathes, which actually sooth it. As well as dead sea salt, unscented bath oils, I have even attempted to "sand" it off with a pedi egg. That sucked. It worked, but I was so raw for the next three days, that, I will NEVER try that again. That's something else about the plaque. If I manage to soften the plaque and get back to bare skin, it's like a burn. It's sensitive and tender to the touch and even to movement. With all of that said, the skin part isn't what bothers me. It's the arthritis part.
I am almost 35, but I move like I'm a badly aging 70 year old. It started in my feet. First the right foot. I didn't pay too much attention to it. I figured it was just normal aging due to the type of work I did. I worked in factories for almost 12 years. Before that, I had waited tables when I was 13, until I was old enough to tend bar. I used to walk 2 miles to work, spend a ten hour day on an assembly line, walk 3 miles to town and shoot pool for hours. Never bothered me at all.
I used to love walking the 10 miles from home to go to the beach in the summer. And once I got there, I would walk all over the beach for hours. In and out of the water, carrying a pack on my back with a towel, radio, snack, drinks, and some sort of inflatable for lounging in the water. I loved it. I was in excellent shape too! I could blow up a raft even though I smoked a pack and a half of cigarettes a day. I think all of the walking kind of counter acted the effects of smoking on my lungs?!
I have been steadily deteriorating for the last five years. A bone scan showed that I have arthritis in absolutely every joint in my body. My toes are beginning to deform, most of them don't even touch the ground. Naturally, when part of your body hurts, you change the way you move to compensate. So after a while, I started having trouble with my hips. I am forever throwing my body out of alignment because of the way I walk. In the winter, I have to wear a knee brace on my right leg because I can't trust my knee not to bend backwards any longer. Winter truly is hell on me. I only sleep a few hours at a time. I have to lay down for a few hours, then, my back wakes me up and I have to sleep in a broke ass recliner for a few hours, then back to the bed.
People don't understand what this has done. My hands look as if they are swollen, when, in reality, the bones at the base of my fingers are thickening. Psoriatic arthritis is similar to Rheumatoid Arthritis, but in reverse. With Rheumatoid Arthritis, the tips of your bones thicken and your joints swell, with Psoriatic Arthritis, the base of your bones thicken, while the ends of the bones lose mass and all of your joints swell. Pretty much, with my medical history, all I can do is increase calcium and vitamin D and try to stay active. I can't move without a pain pill in my system, though I am very careful and stretch the use as far as I can. I don't enjoy passing out or drooling on myself, I just want to be able to move pain free.
The Psoriasis isn't the only reason I am disabled.
Things went down hill fast after a terrible double ear infection in both sides of my head right after my 30th birthday. I was in and out of the emergency room three times, but my insurance didn't cover the treatment I needed. I needed to be admitted to the hospital where I could receive intravenous antibiotics. I have Psoriasis Plaque in my ear canals covering the infection to the point that ear drops are not effective. I was sick for over 3 weeks.
When I was over the ear trouble, I started having some sleep problems. I thought I had insomnia. I was tired all the time. Even if I slept 10 hours, I was exhausted. I could hear everything going on around me while I was sleeping. I wasn't even sure I was sleeping. First, we did the whole sleep apnea tests. I didn't have apnea, but for some reason I didn't have the amount of oxygen I should in my sleep time. The next step was a three part sleep study. I'll spare the details. Basically, you sleep wired to a computer that tracks your sleep levels and patterns. Then, you have a different day where you nap for a few minutes, get up and stay up, then nap for a bit.... like 8 times. The result.... Narcolepsy. I had a second set of tests to be sure the results were correct. They were. These things, added to the fact that I have bi-polar manic depression, have deemed me a liability to any company I apply at. I can no longer drive a fork lift, or fabricate metal, or weld, or carry dinner on a plate to a table of two. Not to mention, the way that insurance and unemployment are set up, no one will hire me anyway.
I do what I can now. Anything I can think of to make money. Fortunately, I worked and paid enough taxes and stuff that I had well over half of my social security points paid before all of this happened. However, I don't even know how long disability will be available to me. I finished college in 2003, just to be out of work by 2005. That's a little unnerving.
However, I create hand made things and occasionally make a little money doing so. I even claim what I make. I do not believe in hiding any income, I would prefer to be an active member of society. I am angered at my situation, because I would have preferred to continue to work. I worked for a company where I had opportunities. I could have become a boss or better. Now, I am pretty much stuck at home. Limited income, and a bunch of hobby ideas. Now, I am reaching out with a fairly new Avon business, fingers crossed! And I am still working on my wares for local craft fairs. I have even been entertaining the idea of a website for my hand made things. As well as an online cup cake bakery service. My father told me that if you try hard enough, there is always a way to make money and support your family. I believe that. I may not make enough to get myself off of disability, but maybe enough to take a little better care of my son..... My thoughts for this evening..... good night all.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Just Because
Just because I am here and feel like rambling on a little. I don't feel like writing about my secrets in who is Billie right now. Not that I have been that fourth coming with information. I know it's a little scattered when I write, but that is because I write spontaneously. I don't rehearse, I don't plan, I just get a feeling that it's time and so I write.
I have been keeping kind of quiet on twitter and watching different conversations for the last few days. It amazes me how quickly people can become cruel. A shooting today, and people are cracking sick jokes. A homeless man finds a chance to become something with a God given talent, and people complain that they are tired of hearing about him? What is wrong with people? Where is the compassion everyone seemed to posses just a couple of weeks ago?
These same people have no problem asking for followers, mentions, re-tweets, and even "gifts" of others. I am a firm believer that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but not at the expense of others. And, certainly not simple cruelty.
I also do not believe that people should not be allowed to own guns. I have guns, I use guns, and I have lost people because of guns. Some people are fortunate, they either have small families, or they don't experience death as often as others. I have not had a single year that I can remember since I turned 8 years old that someone close to me hasn't passed away. I come from a big family in a small town, Maybe that has something to do with it. Maybe it's the cancer that is on both sides of my blood lines. Or the autoimmune diseases. And, of course, the occasional accident. I have a different feeling about guns, and death, and life in general.
I believe that everything that happens is truly a part of God's plan. I am not going to preach, I would just like to make it very clear that I am a believer that all things have been planned for all of time.
My very first experience with a gun was when I was 5. My mom had bought my dad a 30-30 Winchester for Christmas. We were at a friends house in the early fall of the following year, and he decided I was old enough to fire the gun.
I stood on the toes of his size 11 boots, and my body was against his legs. He was holding the butt of the gun, and we were both holding the barrel. I was so excited, I felt like one of the women in the wild west movies I used to watch with dad. I pulled the trigger (with his help) and KA-POW! The gun went off. It was the coolest thing I had ever done! I was so excited, until I found out I couldn't tell anyone at school. My mom already knew, so I was pretty much out of people to tell.
My next memory of that gun isn't such a good one. I don't remember the events that led up to the gun being sold, but years later both of my parents told me the story. My dad had been drinking whiskey, a big no no for him. He would become violent drinking beer, whiskey was like fire water for him. My sister and I were outside in our sand pile, it was sometime in the afternoon. Mom had sent us outside because they were fighting again.
She said she was taking me and my sister and leaving, and my dad said she wasn't. He went to the living room and got the gun. He sat down at the table, less than 3 feet from my mother, aimed and shot. Somehow, he missed. My mom said the bullet whizzed right past her left ear, and had even parted her hair. She was so freaked out, she grabbed the barrel of the gun and pulled it out of his hands. The gun was gone the next day. Needless to say, my dad never had another gun in the house my whole life.
I was fascinated with guns my entire life. I always wished that I had lived in the time of the old west. Things were better then. People had respect for others. Sure, there were people that were unsavory, but there has never been a time that they weren't there.
When I was a teenager,which wasn't that long ago, fights and such were settled with fist to fist combat. No guns, an occasional knife, but usually just black eyes and broken noses. Where I come from, often times, after a fight, the people that were just beating the hell out of each other would then drink together and talk about stuff.
The good old days....LOL.
When I was around 8 years old, a man walked into a local auto parts store, shot and killed his soon to be ex wife, then himself. I knew a kid that shot himself before I ever hit sixth grade! I had a friend that lost her son in November to a self induced gun shot.
Here's the point. My dad, my friend, my girlfriend's son, they all had something in common. They had been the victim's of abuse as children. My dad, due to his parents, and then foster parents. The other two, sever bullying for years in school. What does this say? I have a gun, I have never shot anyone. I have had days that I think maybe death would be easier than life, but I don't shoot myself. And the day I found out the man I was in love with was a pedophile, I thank God I didn't have a gun that day. I make a conscious choice not to use my gun for anything but hunting. I feel I have the right to own my gun and protect my home. I should say, I know that if I had to protect myself or my son, I would have no problem pulling the trigger. If I have an altercation with someone, or a grevience with a state representative, judge, cop, I would never use a gun.
I have told you very little of my experiences with violent death, I will say this. When someone dies, making lude remarks is revolting. When a person can no longer defend themselves, they should no longer be under attack.
I have been keeping kind of quiet on twitter and watching different conversations for the last few days. It amazes me how quickly people can become cruel. A shooting today, and people are cracking sick jokes. A homeless man finds a chance to become something with a God given talent, and people complain that they are tired of hearing about him? What is wrong with people? Where is the compassion everyone seemed to posses just a couple of weeks ago?
These same people have no problem asking for followers, mentions, re-tweets, and even "gifts" of others. I am a firm believer that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but not at the expense of others. And, certainly not simple cruelty.
I also do not believe that people should not be allowed to own guns. I have guns, I use guns, and I have lost people because of guns. Some people are fortunate, they either have small families, or they don't experience death as often as others. I have not had a single year that I can remember since I turned 8 years old that someone close to me hasn't passed away. I come from a big family in a small town, Maybe that has something to do with it. Maybe it's the cancer that is on both sides of my blood lines. Or the autoimmune diseases. And, of course, the occasional accident. I have a different feeling about guns, and death, and life in general.
I believe that everything that happens is truly a part of God's plan. I am not going to preach, I would just like to make it very clear that I am a believer that all things have been planned for all of time.
My very first experience with a gun was when I was 5. My mom had bought my dad a 30-30 Winchester for Christmas. We were at a friends house in the early fall of the following year, and he decided I was old enough to fire the gun.
I stood on the toes of his size 11 boots, and my body was against his legs. He was holding the butt of the gun, and we were both holding the barrel. I was so excited, I felt like one of the women in the wild west movies I used to watch with dad. I pulled the trigger (with his help) and KA-POW! The gun went off. It was the coolest thing I had ever done! I was so excited, until I found out I couldn't tell anyone at school. My mom already knew, so I was pretty much out of people to tell.
My next memory of that gun isn't such a good one. I don't remember the events that led up to the gun being sold, but years later both of my parents told me the story. My dad had been drinking whiskey, a big no no for him. He would become violent drinking beer, whiskey was like fire water for him. My sister and I were outside in our sand pile, it was sometime in the afternoon. Mom had sent us outside because they were fighting again.
She said she was taking me and my sister and leaving, and my dad said she wasn't. He went to the living room and got the gun. He sat down at the table, less than 3 feet from my mother, aimed and shot. Somehow, he missed. My mom said the bullet whizzed right past her left ear, and had even parted her hair. She was so freaked out, she grabbed the barrel of the gun and pulled it out of his hands. The gun was gone the next day. Needless to say, my dad never had another gun in the house my whole life.
I was fascinated with guns my entire life. I always wished that I had lived in the time of the old west. Things were better then. People had respect for others. Sure, there were people that were unsavory, but there has never been a time that they weren't there.
When I was a teenager,which wasn't that long ago, fights and such were settled with fist to fist combat. No guns, an occasional knife, but usually just black eyes and broken noses. Where I come from, often times, after a fight, the people that were just beating the hell out of each other would then drink together and talk about stuff.
The good old days....LOL.
When I was around 8 years old, a man walked into a local auto parts store, shot and killed his soon to be ex wife, then himself. I knew a kid that shot himself before I ever hit sixth grade! I had a friend that lost her son in November to a self induced gun shot.
Here's the point. My dad, my friend, my girlfriend's son, they all had something in common. They had been the victim's of abuse as children. My dad, due to his parents, and then foster parents. The other two, sever bullying for years in school. What does this say? I have a gun, I have never shot anyone. I have had days that I think maybe death would be easier than life, but I don't shoot myself. And the day I found out the man I was in love with was a pedophile, I thank God I didn't have a gun that day. I make a conscious choice not to use my gun for anything but hunting. I feel I have the right to own my gun and protect my home. I should say, I know that if I had to protect myself or my son, I would have no problem pulling the trigger. If I have an altercation with someone, or a grevience with a state representative, judge, cop, I would never use a gun.
I have told you very little of my experiences with violent death, I will say this. When someone dies, making lude remarks is revolting. When a person can no longer defend themselves, they should no longer be under attack.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Awake at 4AM: Insomniacs Beware
Awake at 4AM: Insomniacs Beware: "The posts in this blog could end up being Absolutely Anything!!! When I can't sleep, I reflect on things, when I reflect, I write. Blogging ..."
Insomniacs Beware
The posts in this blog could end up being Absolutely Anything!!! When I can't sleep, I reflect on things, when I reflect, I write. Blogging has become the equivalent of my late night diary, edited slightly to protect the ....... innocent? Anyhow. I had almost 2000 words when my phone shut down, it doesn't save as you blog, and so, here I start again :p This particular blog is in response to a misunderstanding between me and Johnny Depp. If you look, I have only been using twitter since around September of '09. Which is around the time I started blogging and everything else. I just got a wild hair one night and signed up on all kinds of social networking sites.
So anyway. I have a story that I have wanted to get out to the world for several years now, and it occurred to me that blogging would do the trick, maybe. I had been using facebook since early '09, and was getting to be quite the gamer. Neglecting my household chores, not cool, it's me, my teenage son, and my "hubby". I am a stay at home mom for the last four years due to autoimmune disease that has made me a "liability" to potential employers. Until then, I have worked since I was a young kid. I learned to clean scrap metal with my dad, and received pay for doing so as far back as I remember.
I have made several mistakes in my life. The worst one of all was getting married. I was a young, single mother, and I met the "perfect" man. He worked at a good job (right beside me), he didn't drink much, he helped around the house, and with my 18 month old son. He was every woman's dream. And he became my worst nightmare! We had only been together a couple of months when I fell off of a ladder at work and shattered my right wrist. I stayed with him for about two weeks, but couldn't just leave my house empty. I was 20 years old and buying my own home. I was working at a job where my starting pay was going to be around $35K (1996), that was pretty good money then.
One night, before I went home, he came in and asked me to marry him. Of course I said yes! Who wouldn't, he was awesome! He took really good care of me and my son. Everyone I knew liked him. He was always doing stuff for kids, buying toys, taking them places, playing video and board games. The father I had been looking for so that my son could have a fairly normal home life.
We were married within 6 months of him asking me, and about 8 months later, he was arrested. He had molested my cousin's daughter in the middle of the night while everyone else was asleep.
I remember that day every day of my life. I think about it all day, even if I don't want to, it's always in the back of my mind. It doesn't help that he confessed to me that he had been molesting kids since he was 12 years old. It was even worse when I found out he had been molesting a little girl that belonged to his friend for over 7 years, and the abuse hadn't stopped even while we were married. That man admitted to me that he had molested more than 50 little girls, and honestly, I bet you could easily double that number. The reason that he admitted all of this stuff to me was, in Michigan, if you are married and your spouse confesses a crime to you, the prosecuting attorney can not use that information, because it is confidential information between spouses. It's as powerful as HIPPA. I forgot to mention that he is 17 years older than me. I was a cover. He figured that if he had a family, no one would ever accuse him of doing anything like that. You know, kinda like, "look at my normal life, and my happy family". A true pedophile is a chameleon. They blend into the general public, so as not to get caught. Think about it, almost every time a pedophile is caught, the people that knew him or her say things like, "I never would have guessed" or "I knew something wasn't quite right, but I NEVER thought he/she would do something like that". Only in hindsight, do people say,"I should have noticed" or " Now that (action) makes sense". But people just don't normally accuse people of being child molesters.
I had to tell you all of that to tell you this.
I am still not sure exactly what John Depp read because he blocked me from DM and won't respond to me. But, I had sent a message that I was staying off of Face Book because I found my ex husband had a profile. Per Face Book terms and agreement, it is a felony for a registered sex offender to have a profile, a felony punishable by ten years+. Ten different people had filed a complaint that he was on Face Book and went through the proper channels to be charged, but no one was doing anything about it. So I was not going to be able to see his trailer for pirates of the Caribbean 4 on Face Book, until something was done about "the Pedophile". The next thing I know he is calling me disrespectful and accusing me of accusing Michael. I never thought Michael was a child molester. I believe he was targeted for his money. And, even if I did think he was, the man has passed and can't even defend himself, I would never attack him. I have tried to explain this to Mr. Depp, but I get no response. I'm not that upset about the lack of response, but I believe he may owe me an apology for going off half cocked. I DO KNOW My ex husband, I DO KNOW what I am talking about. And I won't stop watching his acting over it, but my feelings have changed a little. Oh, and the last time I checked. The pedophiles profile was no longer active :)
So anyway. I have a story that I have wanted to get out to the world for several years now, and it occurred to me that blogging would do the trick, maybe. I had been using facebook since early '09, and was getting to be quite the gamer. Neglecting my household chores, not cool, it's me, my teenage son, and my "hubby". I am a stay at home mom for the last four years due to autoimmune disease that has made me a "liability" to potential employers. Until then, I have worked since I was a young kid. I learned to clean scrap metal with my dad, and received pay for doing so as far back as I remember.
I have made several mistakes in my life. The worst one of all was getting married. I was a young, single mother, and I met the "perfect" man. He worked at a good job (right beside me), he didn't drink much, he helped around the house, and with my 18 month old son. He was every woman's dream. And he became my worst nightmare! We had only been together a couple of months when I fell off of a ladder at work and shattered my right wrist. I stayed with him for about two weeks, but couldn't just leave my house empty. I was 20 years old and buying my own home. I was working at a job where my starting pay was going to be around $35K (1996), that was pretty good money then.
One night, before I went home, he came in and asked me to marry him. Of course I said yes! Who wouldn't, he was awesome! He took really good care of me and my son. Everyone I knew liked him. He was always doing stuff for kids, buying toys, taking them places, playing video and board games. The father I had been looking for so that my son could have a fairly normal home life.
We were married within 6 months of him asking me, and about 8 months later, he was arrested. He had molested my cousin's daughter in the middle of the night while everyone else was asleep.
I remember that day every day of my life. I think about it all day, even if I don't want to, it's always in the back of my mind. It doesn't help that he confessed to me that he had been molesting kids since he was 12 years old. It was even worse when I found out he had been molesting a little girl that belonged to his friend for over 7 years, and the abuse hadn't stopped even while we were married. That man admitted to me that he had molested more than 50 little girls, and honestly, I bet you could easily double that number. The reason that he admitted all of this stuff to me was, in Michigan, if you are married and your spouse confesses a crime to you, the prosecuting attorney can not use that information, because it is confidential information between spouses. It's as powerful as HIPPA. I forgot to mention that he is 17 years older than me. I was a cover. He figured that if he had a family, no one would ever accuse him of doing anything like that. You know, kinda like, "look at my normal life, and my happy family". A true pedophile is a chameleon. They blend into the general public, so as not to get caught. Think about it, almost every time a pedophile is caught, the people that knew him or her say things like, "I never would have guessed" or "I knew something wasn't quite right, but I NEVER thought he/she would do something like that". Only in hindsight, do people say,"I should have noticed" or " Now that (action) makes sense". But people just don't normally accuse people of being child molesters.
I had to tell you all of that to tell you this.
I am still not sure exactly what John Depp read because he blocked me from DM and won't respond to me. But, I had sent a message that I was staying off of Face Book because I found my ex husband had a profile. Per Face Book terms and agreement, it is a felony for a registered sex offender to have a profile, a felony punishable by ten years+. Ten different people had filed a complaint that he was on Face Book and went through the proper channels to be charged, but no one was doing anything about it. So I was not going to be able to see his trailer for pirates of the Caribbean 4 on Face Book, until something was done about "the Pedophile". The next thing I know he is calling me disrespectful and accusing me of accusing Michael. I never thought Michael was a child molester. I believe he was targeted for his money. And, even if I did think he was, the man has passed and can't even defend himself, I would never attack him. I have tried to explain this to Mr. Depp, but I get no response. I'm not that upset about the lack of response, but I believe he may owe me an apology for going off half cocked. I DO KNOW My ex husband, I DO KNOW what I am talking about. And I won't stop watching his acting over it, but my feelings have changed a little. Oh, and the last time I checked. The pedophiles profile was no longer active :)
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